BEING LOYAL TO THOSE NOT PRESENT
Being loyal to those not present is one of the most difficult of all the deposits. It is one of the highest tests of both character and the depth of bonding that has taken place in a relationship. This is particularly the case when everyone seems to be joining in on bad-mouthing and piling on someone who is not present. You can, in an unself-righteous way, just speak up and say, “I see it differently,” or “My experience is different,” or “You may have a point; let’s go talk to him or her about it.” By doing so, you instantly communicate that integrity is loyalty—not just to those absent but also to those who are present. Whether they acknowledge it or not, all the people present will inwardly admire and respect you. They will know that their name is precious with you when they’re not there. On the other hand, when loyalty is a higher value than integrity in that you give in, go along, and join in the bad-mouthing, so, too, will everyone present know that under pressure and stress, you would do the same regarding them.
I remember heading up a meeting in a large organization where the formal leaders were discussing various personnel issues. They seemed to be in complete agreement regarding the weaknesses of a particular individual. They even began to tell jokes and funny stories about this individual in ways they would never do to the person’s face. Later the same day one of the executives came to me and said that for the first time he could now trust my expressions of appreciation and affection for him. “Why so?” I asked. He replied, “Because when we were cutting that person in our earlier meeting, you went against the current and showed genuine concern, care and regard for them.” I asked why that had impacted him. He said, “Because I have similar weaknesses, only they’re worse. No one knows about them, not even you. So every time you’ve expressed your appreciation and regard for me, inwardly I’ve said, ‘But you don’t understand.’ Today I feel you would. I feel you would be true and loyal to me even in my absence and that I can trust you and believe your kind expressions.”
The key to the many is often the one; it is how you regard and talk about the one in that one’s absence or presence that communicates to the many how you would regard and talk about them in their presence or absence.
Author: Stephen_R_Covey
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